


Gone

by Unchained_Daisychain



Category: The Beatles
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, M/M, it won't happen again, sorry i wrote this, the D word
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 15:53:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12345843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unchained_Daisychain/pseuds/Unchained_Daisychain
Summary: As the light dies in front of him, Paul remembers how bright it once was.





	Gone

**Author's Note:**

> It's been so long since I posted something new that I'm a little nervous. But this is just a little itty bitty something that serves more use on here than in my docs.
> 
> I kinda pulled this idea out of my ass a few days ago. I'm not even sure what to say about it. I was in a bad place and I wrote this to help it. Ironic that I thought angst would help. Anyway, here you go. I appreciate the support and any form of it is welcome. :)

_“You givin’ me half?”_

_“Well, if you don’t want it, that’ll be more for me.”_

_“No, no. Just…was expecting more like a piece, is all.”_

_“Only a piece? That’s a bit penny-pinched, innit?”_

_Expecting no response, he handed over the half. The first of many significant halves._

_Between the chocolate, their fingers grazed and eyes caught. Eventually, they lowered to find lips—thin and parted; plump and puckered._

_A cleared throat and a lowered head._

_A sheepish smile rouged in red._

_Naughty naughty, his thoughts flitted away like ashes. But like any extinguished fire, smut smudged the deepest most corners of his mind._

_When their thighs pressed, the world condensed. Two boys on a bench sharing chocolate and lust._

_“Touching is good, y’know,” John murmured between the dessert melting in his mouth, gaze fixed ahead._

_And if just for that one moment, Paul wholeheartedly agreed._

<> <> <>

“I want a divorce.”

Like a gunshot the last word rang, ricocheting off the folds of his mind. He waited for his legs to buckle—brain damage or heartbreak sluicing the nerves. He waited for a teasing smile to soothe his worries like a kiss. He waited for the jest behind the tragedy.

He waited.

“We’ve already done it, Paul. There is no poppermost. Never was.”

Sitting on a throne of rubble, there was a vague feeling of gravel shards jabbing him; not even the relief of being numb.

Funny how the toppermost looked a lot like rock bottom.

<> <> <>

_“Where’re we goin’, Johnny?”_

_“‘M takin’ you away, baby. Paris or Spain. Somewhere they can’t understand us. Where we don’t have to give a fuck if they_ don’t _.”_

_The finger on his chest drew hearts over and over. Tracing a truth onto his skin. Invisible but tangible—the life they’d lead in Paris. Knowing none but feeling all._

_Vagabonds haunted his dreams, and he’d join them in reality._

_A reality where, just as now, he could lean against the chest of his lover, nestled safely in the gap of his thighs. One arm circled his waist with a hold as gentle as that of a young child’s. Tender but firm and stroking his skin with feather-light touches._

_John’s lips found his naked shoulder; Paul’s hand found John’s._

_He’d never forget the bed that built their dreams. Resting against the headboard that joined their hearts. In their warm embrace, he brought a hand to stroke John’s face._

_“When will we come back?” he whispered, eyes closed and nerves buzzing. Heaven was always best experienced with eyes shut tight._

_A tongue touched his ear. The arms around him tightened and the proximity seized him. “When the City of Love gives me a change of heart.”_

_Paul hummed and turned for a kiss. He understood._

_The change of acceptance to the unnatural, the odd. The inevitable. The love. Paul always knew he could never play with fire and expect to yield water. But if John needed a foreign city to soothe his insecurities, Paul would pack without protest._

<> <> <>

“S’pose we were four blokes with dreams bigger than ourselves,” he said almost wistfully. “But that just made use four fools, di’nt it?”

He was rambling. Perhaps growing impatient, nervous, uncomfortable.

Was it the coke in his nose or the crack in his heart turning his lips into a fountainhead of excuses?

Paul stared, let him say his peace. Peace was all he ever wanted for John.

<> <> <>

_A knock sounded at the door. Rain pattered against the window. Barefoot and dejected, he turned the knob with eerie detachment._

_Drenched, John stood at the stoop. Whiskey breath drifted through the open door like a breeze; doleful eyes put his own to shame. Paul stared and willed his stoicism to remain more intact than he himself felt. But looking the epitome of remorse in the eye nearly blinded him._

_Emerging from the dark of night, John pushed through the threshold and wrapped his lover in apologetic arms. Paul stumbled a step back, eyes wide and arms reciprocating unthinkingly._

_“‘M sorry, ‘m sorry, ‘m sorry.” A broken boy begging forgiveness like a broken record. He stuffed his face into the warm crook of Paul’s neck, nosing and kissing at the skin. “Please, baby, she was nothing. I’m a fuckin’ idiot. So bloody stupid.”_

_Paul sighed. His body softened into a home for comfort. Knowing when to abandon a mask of stone, he threaded his fingers through John’s auburn hair. As he brushed tangles from the damp locks, he knew the sky had showered his lover with empathy. He felt it was only fair to attempt the same._

_“Shhh, Johnny. Just calm down, love. It’s late and yer soaked.”_

_“I keep fuckin’ up. Why do I keep fuckin’ up? I don’t wanna lose the only good thing I got. I don’t wanna lose you, Paul. I never wanna hurt you.”_

_“It’s okay, baby. We’re okay. Just…be more careful, yeah? I’m not leavin’ you.”_

_His sob wracked both of their frames. Uninhibited, tears merged with those of nature’s. He gripped Paul with desperation, and Paul sheltered him from the storm in his heart as though it were the one outside. When it finally abated, they swayed on their feet like ships at sea._

_Feeling more anchored, John pulled away, vulnerable tears streaking his cheeks. With trembling hands he cupped Paul’s face and stared into his eyes. “I love you, Paul.”_

_That was it. The first time it ever took his breath away. Stole it like a caress to the heart rather than a punch to the gut. The elephant in the room, in their life, was now on the soapbox, vouching for its own existence._

_He swallowed the lump in his throat that fought to confess how long he’d felt the same, then whispered, “I love you, too, John.”_

_They kissed and it felt like John would never hurt him again._

_But love always hurt._

<> <> <>

“You know this’ll only change us if we let it. We have a choice.”

Oh, but they didn’t. There was no choice when he fell in love. It was contractual; written in the stars and signed by God.

The heart didn’t consult the brain and the brain didn’t warn the heart. No cautionary words of: _This won’t turn out good for folks like you. You won’t know when to quit. You won’t know when love turns lethal._

What’s to say he would have even listened?

<> <> <>

_“Fuck, Paul…. Yes, please. Right there—fuck!”_

_“Shit, I love you, John. You know that, right? You know I love you?”_

_“Provin’ it…pretty well, love.” His words ended on a moan that spoke enough for his own love._

_Their bodies moved in unison, the heat spurring them on. Paul smothered John’s pleasure with a kiss and fought the squeaks of the mattress by slowing his movements._

_Thrusting into John, he could already feel his own name slipping from his memory as though he’d never even known it at all._

_They fell into pleasure with a tight embrace. As John whimpered and grasped Paul’s hair, Paul eased him through it. Giving and giving and giving._

_When their limbs unraveled, their hearts intertwined. Lingering kisses and soft caresses._

_Before falling asleep, ‘I love you’ would be the last thing he’d hear._

<> <> <>

“We’ve had a good go of it. But we’ve changed. No need to beat a dead horse, you know.”

Better to beat a love? Living and breathing and nowhere near a grave?

A sound he never expected to hear was that of his own heart breaking.

<> <> <>

_“You’re not changing on me, are ya, Johnny?”_

_He ran his fingers through the freshly cut hair. The round specs and curled locks made him seem mature, wise._

_John smiled up at his lover, looking so thin and youthful, and placed a hand on his hip._

_“It’s just a haircut, love, not facial reconstruction.”_

_“It may as well be.” But he loved the soft texture. It was like falling in love with a new face but the same heart._

_John laughed and pulled him onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around Paul’s waist and kissed his neck. Paul combed through his hair and bathed in the affection._

_“It’ll take the force of five Mimi’s to change me. So, you’re stuck with me, I’m afraid. I’m never changing.”_

_Paul smiled and believed him._

<> <> <>

“I’ll have my people call your people.”

He laughed, the sound hollow. But still always there with a smile.

“It’ll be like starting over. Just like the beginning. We’ll always have that, won’t we?”

That smile ripped him to pieces.

<> <> <>

_The edge of seventeen was razor-sharp, and no one had ever looked so breathtaking standing on it._

_Lightning trapped in an alabaster bottle. He looked dangerous to touch but tempting to hold. He was a beautiful mess._

_Then their hands met. Electrifying. Like a kiss from the blitz._

_But the boy’s gaze grounded him. Left his hairs standing on end and their hands shaking for longer than needed._

_“Paul, this is John.”_

_But he was already too far gone to hear that._

<> <> <>

_Still so far gone._

“C’mon, Paul, don’t do that. Don’t cry, love.”

**Author's Note:**

> You may notice that for the moment I am considering this a chapter fic. Really, that all depends on you guys. If you want a happy ending, I will do it. I always say I'll never write angst without a happy ending. This is a terrible example of that, which is why I'm giving myself some wiggle room here. Anywho, please leave comments and thoughts so I know! <3
> 
> [My addiction of choice](https://unchaineddaisychain.tumblr.com/)


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